Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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