The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
