4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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