I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
