Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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