Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My ass is underappreciated
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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