i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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