Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
