I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
