hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
