I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
