Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think a kid would responsible me up
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
