i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
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bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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