wanna go halves on a baby?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
