Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
