i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
