So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
