I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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