I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
