very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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