I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
