i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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