her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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