so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
