Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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