Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
