why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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