btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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