Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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