Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
