sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
