well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
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the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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