i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
