sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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