My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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