So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize