I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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