Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
