I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
