ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
