Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
