All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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