Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
