I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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