I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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