i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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