This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.