You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?