i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You need a sexual gate keeper
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins