i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just gift wrapped bread.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
