Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
