Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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