She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
