I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
