i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
