i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
