I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
