How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize