I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
