I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
