There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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