i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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