im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
