I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
