I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
